As you all know, I’m a Venture for America fellow. We send each other periodic life updates. This is the life update I sent them yesterday. It was intensely personal and has been edited, in part, to protect private details. My point here is just that it’s okay to be vulnerable. This is my way of doing that with you.
Roughly a year ago, I sent out a life update while I was in Hawaii visiting family. I wrote about the weird feeling I got while visiting Pearl Harbor. I still remember writing that. I still remember feeling that.
I had a conversation with one of y’all this week who told me that she was jealous about how I always had it together. I was flattered. And then I was sad. I rarely have it all together and I don’t want to give any false impressions.
I cried like 6 times yesterday including a ketchup-related incident and I wanted to tell you about all the ways that life is really hard.
My dad has been unemployed since March and paying his bills is really starting to weigh on me. He’s been living with his sister for a while. I think he’s got about two more months before he has to move in with me. At 60 years old, he has a ton of work experience in logistics and used to run distribution for a multi-state area, but can’t read or type, so it doesn’t really matter. And even gas stations and grocery stores require you to read labels and type words. [Sentence edited out here.]
Dad moving in with me wouldn’t be weird (and sometimes I think it would be great) except I packed up my whole life and moved somewhere for the sole purpose of being with Casey (which is so vulnerable in the scariest way).
And every day it’s fucking hard to feel like you gave up a part of yourself and the life you had always planned for yourself because someone else meant that much to you which is, again, scary. Especially when he is not here/has not been here in days/weeks//will not be here for weeks/months.
But it’s okay because you still have your job which is your independence. [Two sentences edited out here.]
And your only comfort is your dog who is your bestonly friend and sometimes the only person you see/talk to for days.
I joined the local Crossfit which costs so much money that the thought makes me vomit, but it forces me to get out of the house every day. It gives me hope that if I tripped going down the stairs, it wouldn’t be that many days before someone came looking.
You want to know what all the great things going on are?
- I’m working on my MBA through Smartly.
- I stepped up my freelancing.
- My blog broke 2500 IG followers this week.
- I adopted a dog.
- I eat a lot of pies.
- I’ve paid off 6 K of debt since January 1.
You can see all those things on social media, but remember what you see is only the highlight reel. Never compare your life to someone’s highlight reel. Also, never compare your beginning to someone’s middle.
All that to say, life can be really shitty. It can be really hard to say “things are really hard right now”, in part because it’s hard to admit it, in part because you don’t want to put that burden on anyone, in part because you hope that you can just power through it because that’s what you’ve always done with everything else. I just wanted to say that I’m always happy to help share that burden with you whenever you need. Even if you aren’t sure that you need it. Let me know what I can do to help you.
Lots of love,
PS. I’m starting to do the trendy minimalist thing/starting to purge. The result is that after I finish reading books on my shelf, I’m mailing them off to friends. If you’d like to get some of the next books I’m reading, reply with your address. I only finish about 2 books a month, so you might not get books for a year, but hopefully they’ll be a nice surprise at some point in the coming months.
Emilie is an Army Wife, Data Engineer, and CrossFitter with a love for working through her thoughts in this space on the internet. She lives with her husband Casey and their pup Bo in Savannah, GA.