She Does Better

Emilie Burke

Reading Lately: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

// Reading & Books

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I know that I mentioned that in the first trimester I was not at all interested in reading. I’m very happy to say that I’m back on the reading train and read FOUR books in July- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Bad Blood, The New Corner Office, and All Joy and No Fun.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone was one of those right place, right time books, for sure. I’ve been requesting this one from the library for a couple of months and I never got around to reading it. When I finally did, it was exactly what I needed.

Here are some of my favorite sections- Sorry for not capturing the page numbers.

One morning, as I drone on about Boyfriend, Wendell scoots to the edge of his couch, stands up, walks over to me, and, with his very long leg, lightly kicks my foot. Smiling, he returns to his seat.

“Ouch!” I say reflexively, even though it didn’t hurt. I’m started. “What was that?”

“Well, you see like you’re enjoying the experience of suffering, so I thought I’d help you out with that.”

“What?”

“There’s a difference between pain and suffering,” Wendell says. “You’re going to have to feel pain — everyone feels pain at times — but you don’t have to suffer so much. You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.”

Wow.

I told Rita what I tell everyone who’s afraid of getting hurt in relationships– which is to say, everyone with a heartbeat. I explained to her that even in the best possible relationship, you’re going to get hurt sometimes, and no matter how much you love somebody, you will at times hurt that person, not because you want to, but because you’re human. You will inevitably hurt your partner, your parents, your children, your closest friend– and they will hurt you– because if you sign up for intimacy, getting hurt is part of the deal.

But, I went on, what was so great about a loving intimacy was that there was room for repair. Therapists call this process rupture and repair, and if you had parents who acknowledged their mistakes and took responsibility for them and taught you as a child to acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them too, the ruptures won’t feel so cataclysmic in your adult relationships. If, however, your childhood ruptures didn’t come with loving repairs, it will take some practice for you to tolerate the ruptures, to stop believing that every rupture signals the end, and to trust that even if a relationship doesn’t work out, you will survive that rupture too.

380-381

As I spend so much thinking about childhood, childrearing, and parenting, what a thing to read.

In couples therapy, therapists talk about the difference between privacy (spaces in people’s psyches that everyone needs in healthy relationships) and secrecy (which stems from shame and tends to be corrosive). Carl Jung called secrets “psychic poison”.

This was such a great book. I’d strongly recommend.

Three Podcasts that have been recommended to me lately

// Reading & Books

Reading Time: 2 minutes

My TV ban has been going alright. One thing it has pushed me to do is listen to more podcasts lately. I had a friend recommend two and stumbled on a third that was really good. I thought I’d pass on the recommendations.

Dirty John

From their website:

Debra Newell is a successful interior designer. She meets John Meehan, a handsome man who seems to check all the boxes: attentive, available, just back from a year in Iraq with Doctors Without Borders. But her family doesn’t like John, and they get entangled in an increasingly complex web of love, deception, forgiveness, denial, and ultimately, survival. Reported and hosted by Christopher Goffard from the L.A. Times.

Dr. Death

From the website:

Dr. Christopher Duntsch was a neurosurgeon who radiated confidence. He claimed he was the best in Dallas. If you had back pain, and had tried everything else, Dr. Duntsch could give you the spine surgery that would take your pain away. But soon his patients started to experience complications. And all they had to protect them was a system ill equipped to stop the madness.
From Wondery, the network behind the hit podcast Dirty John, DR. DEATH is about a medical system that failed to protect these patients at every possible turn. Reported and hosted by Laura Beil.

Bear Brook

From the website:

Two barrels. Four bodies. And the decades-long mystery that led to a serial killer.
A podcast about a cold case that’s changing how murders will be investigated forever.

No spoilers but I listened to the podcast on the genealogy side of this story separately and it was so so so so good.

All three of these were really good! Thanks Stephen for the original suggestion.

RELATED: Podcast Listening Tips

Show Us Your Books // April 2019

// Reading & Books

Reading Time: 2 minutes

This post is coming way, way, waaaay late, but I figured an update is better than no update. Every day that I don’t get to read, I become more appreciative of the quiet mornings I have at home with a cup of black coffee, a fleece blanket, and a book.

Into the Water by Paula Hawkins

After really enjoying The Girl on the Train, I thought I’d request this one from the library, and I’m so glad I did. In true Hawkins fashion, this read becomes hard to put down once you’ve picked it up. I got absorbed in this book much more quickly than The Girl on the Train.

The book chronicles a small town that has experienced a series of drowning-related deaths over its history, as it comes to terms with two more in quick succession. This has feelings, real-world situations, and an insane plot twist that I did not see coming at the end.

The great thing about a book like this is that I’m wholly sure it’d never make a good move. I know that this sort of pleasure can come only from reading a book.

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

What does it mean to live when you know you’re about to die? This is the crux of Paul’s memoir, written in the final year of his life. Unfortunately, Dr Kalanithi did not even make it to see his book published.

Paul Kalanithi is a neurosurgical fellow preparing to transition into the next phase of his medical career when he is diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. His battle is a series of ups and downs, but ultimately he succumbs to the disease in 2015. Along the way, he struggles with coming to terms with mortality, preparing his wife and young child for life without him emotionally and financially, and working to understand what it is to be alive.

This was a beautifully written reminder of our mortality and the fleeting nature of this physical life.

Up next: Sophie’s World by Jostein Gardner

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Currently // April 2019

// Reading & Books

Reading Time: < 1 minute

experiencing: all the weather excitements. We’ve had more and more 80 degree days here in Savannah. I spent one sunrise on the beach already but it was chilly. We’ve had one pool day too! I’m excited when I will consistently wake up early on Saturday mornings to move from my bed to a nap at the pool.

appreciating: my job. The last two weeks at work have been hard (in a good way!). I’m tired and my brain feels a little fried. It also feels amazing. Being in a job that is hard and uncomfortable but where I’m in a phenomenal team with great leaders is an amazing formula for personal growth. I’m savoring it and appreciating how much I’ve grown because of it.

wishlisting: books. Here we are in Month 4 of the year and I have not yet bought a book. The Amazon wishlist/cart keeps growing, though. The good news is my sister is also on a book kick right now, which is good. I’m trying to do a good job of reading my shelves and taking advantage of my library, but give me all the books!

posting: I wrote two “Life Lately” style posts last month for the first time in… a year? I really liked the memory-keeping-style post and hope to be inspired to do more of those in the near future.

considering: the details of our honeymoon. We’ll finally be going on our honeymoon in June and there are a lot of tradeoffs to consider!

👋 Tata for now!

Show Us Your Books // March 2019

// Reading & Books

Reading Time: 3 minutes

When I wrote my March 2019 Goals post recapping my February 2019 progress, I was bummed to admit that For the first time in… two years? I haven’t read two books in a month. Nonetheless, as I write this, my second Show Us Your Books linkup post, I am delighted to be profiling three books again! It just goes to show you that it is all ebbs and flows. Hard books slow you down, but other books you (I) can’t resist!

The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine

Must. Read. I mentioned this last weekend in my Saturday Morning Coffee, but this book is one that we should all read. I heard about it from a Christmas Gift Guide from Christina last year. I’m so glad I impulsed on it.

This book is a phenomenal overview of the hormonal development of the female from conception through menopause. I had no idea how many hormonal processes are developed in the fetus. A mother’s hormones directly affects the different amount of hormone (and thus the variance in the fluctuations) that a female fetus will experience as it develops.

This book should be required reading for anyone who ever knows any female ever.

Juliet’s School of Possibilities by Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam’s latest book is out today and ADD IT TO THE TOP OF YOUR LIST.

Riley is a career-driven millennial, who receives a negative performance review at her consulting firm job, despite making herself available all the time. She attends a work retreat at Juliet’s School of Possibilities on the Jersey Shore, where she meets Martha Stewart-esque Juliet. In the middle of a rainstorm, Juliet shows Riley two possible futures for herself. She gets to choose how she wants to live her life.

LV hit the ball out of the park again. This short business fable marries fiction with a beautiful lesson. Nothing in here is particularly new, if you’re already familiar with Laura Vanderkam’s writings, but it’s presenting in a novel way (pun intended) that makes it a fun read!

ReWork by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

After reading the latest book from these guys, I figured I’d give ReWork a read. Reading these books is much more like reading a collection of bound blog posts than reading a book. They’re good ideas, but it’s a lot of ideas and no real depth on any of them.

It was a quick read (one weekend). If you’ve read the latest book, I’d suggest skipping this one. You can see how their ideas have evolved over the last decade, which is cool, but isn’t necessarily worth the extra weekend of reading time.

Up next: Into the Water by Paula Hawkins

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