I really want a massage.
A couple of weeks before Valentine’s Day, I turned to C and said “I want a massage for Valentine’s Day. You should get me a massage.”
Then the week before Valentine’s Day, I circled up with him that Hey, We’re just going to go out to dinner right. No presents, right?
“BUT YOU ASKED FOR A MASSAGE?!”
We settled on no presents. For the record, we went to Star Wars and a delicious dinner.
Since before Valentine’s Day, I’ve wanted a massage. The longer I’ve waited for it, the more I have heard the voice in my head telling me that I deserved it. Look at all you’ve accomplished lately. Look at how you’re managing the house and Bo and work and the gym and trying to build a social life in a new city all alone, all at the same time! Look at how much time you’ve spent outside lately and all those books you’ve crushed this week.
That voice today had me downloading an app called Zeel. At first, I was just googling it but because of some blocks I have on my phone that are meant to help me not spend, their website was blocked. Instead, I downloaded the app. Almost as soon as it was on my phone, I found myself looking for an open time slot on my calendar to book a massage for me.
I got to the part where you have to enter the credit card information before I was reminded that my “Emilie spending”- the category of money that I can spend anyway I want without having to worry about- looks like this right now.
I’ve spent a lot already this month. I’ve spent a lot of the money. I’ve spent almost all of the money I had allocated to spend on BS this month. And now, I’m in a position where I have more wants than money in a month.
No is a complete sentence. Deciding to spend is a tradeoff. It essentially looks like this: Do I want to put X towards the wedding this month? OR do I want to put X – $100 so that I could spend $100 on the quick hit that a massage would give me?
I don’t NEED the massage. I want the massage, but I want to finish the wedding fund more.
I’ve been reading on frugality a lot. I recently finished Meet the Frugalwoods, a memoir chronicling the journey to financial independence by husband and wife couple the Frugalwoods, and The Year of Less, chronicling author Cait Flanders’ 12-month spending ban.
At the beginning of the week, I told myself I wasn’t going to spend money. I was going to do a “No Spend Week” just to reorient my spending and reset some spending behaviors. And, it has been so hard. I thought this was going to be a non-challenge, but every day I have found myself faced with some spending question.
On Monday, I realized I was out of wine. Last night (Tuesday), I had my night class, so I didn’t get home until almost 930. At which point I had to walk Bo again, eat a quick dinner, and get into bed. I’ve been working really hard lately, and I’m so grateful for these opportunities (and am really trying not to sound whiny), and the voice in my head has gotten louder. Emilie, you deserve this.
But I don’t NEED it. I want it. And I’ve used up all of my “wants” money for the month.
Maybe May will be the month I get a massage.
Emilie is an Army Wife, Data Engineer, and CrossFitter with a love for working through her thoughts in this space on the internet. She lives with her husband Casey and their pup Bo in Savannah, GA.